Holding this prescription in my hands was so exciting for me!!! Validation at last! I am a mess! (hahaa) I now have a reason for all of the crazy thoughts and anger and for wanting it all to end. Relief was in sight….
I held on to that paper for a bit. All of a sudden it was true. I did need help. How did I feel about it? What were those feelings I was feeling?
relief
disappointment
shame
triumph
hope
and many more…all seeming to contradict each other…
All at a scale of 100%!
The dosage that I started on was a very low one. Let’s see if there are any adverse side effects. I was told that I wouldn’t really feel any effects for weeks. Okay, we can wait and see. I had time, and seeing a counselor on a weekly basis was still helping exponentially.
So, what else could be done while waiting for the medication to kick in? Apparently exercise and eating right makes a difference. Really? Both the doctor and the counselor told me to start making the effort to work out somehow, and to watch what I eat. I guess I should try. I was committed to getting better….maybe not at a 100% mark, but close to it.
Since I live in a beautiful rural setting, walking outside seemed like a good idea. The doctor told me that walking is a great idea…but if I feel scared while being outside, then it probably isn’t the best form of exercise for me at this time. How did she know that I was petrified every time I went for a walk? I had never even admitted it to myself.
Let’s give it a try….
There were eyes watching me while I was outside walking. Something was going to hurt me. Guns, animals, and violence surrounded me…I was sure of it. I had always suppressed the terror, but now I was learning to identify these feelings…and I was violently afraid.
So much for walking outside. I can put off exercise for now. Maybe later….?
to be cont’d…