This last July, just a few months ago, I hit a wall. The rage and confusion was threatening to overwhelm me. I didn’t understand the turbulence in my head, and no matter what I told myself, it wouldn’t go away. It was all consuming.
Did I need to talk to someone?
Was there something inside of me that needed releasing?
How could there be anything wrong? Life was good. I was on a great track. Work in Africa gave meaning to my life, and I felt that there was finally an outlet for my skills. My family was doing quite well. Things seemed…ok…or so I told myself.
That’s usually when the **** hits the fan. And so it did in my life. I realized that there was something wrong…and so I started calling out. I needed to find someone to help me, but I had specific criteria for this person. She had to be a woman, and a woman of faith…and hopefully someone who understood issues that come with life in long term missions and ministry.
God heard my prayers.
When I went for my first appointment, I was vibrating. It felt like I was going to explode. Finally a release! A release of what, I didn’t know yet.
For someone who doesn’t show emotion, I got very emotional. It started pouring out. All the words and thoughts that had been spinning in my head for the last 30+ years. It’s amazing how long we can hold things in. And what we hold in.
Such “un-christian” things came out of my mouth. After a lifetime of being in a ministry family there were lists of things I wasn’t allowed to say, or think. Or so I told myself. Living with lists of “shoulds” and “should nots” was all consuming. I learned to hide my true feelings. And so I did….
It got to the point where I didn’t even know what my “true” feelings were…
to be continued…