I have a dark side…one I battle with frequently. (For those of you that know me…it’s not my humor!! Even though that can be pretty dark too!!). Depression hits me quite often. Through self analysis and calendar tracking I can tell it’s not always hormonal either. It can occur on the sunniest of days for no apparent reason. I can look at the pictures people post online and sink into a hole that lasts days at a time. The thoughts that I fight can be scary. Not too many years ago they even sunk to the suicidal. Not seriously enough that I would have done damage…but the ideas were entertained.
How does one fight something that can be genetic? These tendencies have led many a family member into substance abuse…something I know I could easily fall into, and almost have many years ago. I also know this is something many people fight. I’m not the only one. I’m also not the only Christian that battles with this. This is a universal issue. Very common.
There are so many pat answers that are given to help deal with it. Any many of them work for a period of time. Because of all that I have had go through my head, I have also been able to cling to my faith so much stronger. But I can’t say that faith has brought me through all of it, or will it always be the only answer. (I use a lot of logic in my self dialogue…!) Self awareness is also a powerful tool, and getting rid of denial is crucial. Denial is such a strong defense mechanism…and it doesn’t work. I’ve tried it.
Every day is a new opportunity to live. To live a life that is fulfilling and joyful. I am living a life now that is full of new opportunities. On those days I feel darkness coming in, I try not to let it grab me anymore. I talk to it and find out why it’s there. What prompted it? And I have to be honest…the answers are usually petty and useless. It is usually there to distract me from my purpose. It is there to get in the way of my having an impact on someone else’s life. It’s there to fill my days with a distraction. I will fight it…with my faith and all my other “tools”!
I now have more days that I can look up to the sky and say, “Thank You for making me…”!
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