One of the hardest things to do is to surrender. I have fought it all my life. I want things on my terms, with my conditions. I don’t know if all are the same, but many are. We can surrender certain things, at certain times…but letting it all go without any knowledge of where the journey takes you takes a huge leap of faith.
I was ready for that leap.
After being angry and confused most of my life, let’s try it God’s way for once.
This might sound weird to some of you, after all I was in full time mission work. It looked like my life was given in serving Jesus. But, deep down I knew that I hadn’t given it all. I still held on to childhood hurts, and bitterness. And I knew my faith didn’t quite reach all the way to believing with my “whole heart”.
I had an image to maintain….and had maintained that image to the best of my ability. The good christian. The one with answers. The one who knew God’s word. The one who was willing to live/serve anywhere that God asked to.
It was a fairly good image…but it wasn’t authentic. As a survivor and as one with chameleon like instincts, I could make it look good. And for the most part I believed the lies I told myself. “This is as good as life gets. Serving to the best of my abilities, and sacrificing everything I knew to give. What else could He want?”
What did this surrender look like? Deep down, as I started preparing myself for this new beginning, I started getting excited. I could sense anticipation growing in my heart. We were getting ready for something exciting, and looking forward to finally letting go of the past. All I could picture doing was lying prostrate on the floor, just letting Him do the work. I was tired of trying so hard. I just wanted to lie down and absorb what He had waiting for me.
The first time I went to get prayer all I could do was sob. Hours, it seemed. All I knew is that I was the only needy one left at the front of the church. Someone was holding me tight…it was my own son. Holding me and just letting me feel support and love. The safety I felt was immense. At that moment the flashbacks started coming back…
But they were different.
When I had seen them in the past they were images of me standing alone…or in a car with my father, driving through the horror. This time I could see myself standing with an entourage. Watching my parents drive away, standing beside me was Jesus. And a few of His angels. They watched and held me, and then carried me to where I needed to go. Sitting in the car beside my father and me was Jesus. I was sitting between them!
Safe! And NOT alone!!
Many more images flashed through, and in each one was Jesus. He showed me images from my past, and from my present. All the times where I have been alone and/or frightened.
He performed EMDR on my memories. Nothing like miracle therapy!
A few days later I went to see my counselor. I was vibrating, again…but with joy this time. She listened to me talk about what had happened, and her smile got wider and wider! She could see the difference! I was different.
Peace and joy! Love and safety! All those emotions I craved and needed.
“Do you still want to come and see me? It seems that this last weekend has been the final process you needed to go through.”
Of course I wanted to still come and see her…she had been my lifeline for awhile at that point. Did I need to see her? Maybe not immediately…! Let’s give it a few weeks and see how this all goes.
“Can I blog about this therapy experience?” I asked her.
“It can be cathartic, if you are willing to be open and vulnerable to others. You have to decide. See how you feel.” She smiles again.
And I smile back! 🙂
“Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever. (Psalm 30:5b, 11, 12 NIV)