Often relationships become lopsided. One needs and expects more than the other, or one is more demanding and eventually the other becomes drained of energy. It is said that relationships are 50/50…but it really should more like 100/100. There aren’t really any other options, but often the numbers are uneven, and one inevitably gives more than the other. Unless it’s acknowledged and worked on, there is one who eventually feels used and tired. There can even be a breakup down the road.
Which side of a relationship are you on? Do you give or take? Does it feel fair?
Do you depend on another person to get you through the day? What happens when that person fails or disappoints you? And what do you do if they aren’t available every time you need them? Do you feel it’s their fault? Is it easy to assign blame on someone else when our needs aren’t met?
There are so many of us that use other people to fill in a void, and spend many a day/week/month lonely and disappointed. People have the capacity to bring you down…and they can’t ever fulfill all your needs and wants.
Through the years, and struggles with relationships, I have come to notice how I behave in them. I can’t say that I am proud of the way I am. There is a tendency to be more of a taker than a giver. And if someone needs me, I feel resentment more than generosity. Obviously these are qualities that I need to work on. It hasn’t made me the most giving of wife and mother.
I have also started noticing relationships that disturb me. Some of us have the need to feel loved and wanted so much, that we create relationships based on others needing us. We provide something in the relationship that the other starts to depend on, even if they don’t like it, they need it. It makes the giver feel loved in a twisted way, but the receiver ends up feeling resentful. So this is not a mutually respectful situation…it is selfish and can lead to pain and eventually breaking apart. Being needed isn’t the same as being loved. Using the giving of resources and time doesn’t translate to love either, it becomes a noose.
Either way, whether you are the giver or receiver in a relationship, there needs to be self-awareness. It’s good to examine motives and what the definition of a healthy relationship is. Knowing and seeing what we do, and how we can manipulate, can then be used to change our behavior and expectations.
I am definitely not an expert in this subject. But being dependent on another person to fulfill my needs will never work. I have tried it, and been disappointed every time. Being dependent on Jesus has never let me down. It is the only relationship that I know to depend on 100%. He will never leave me or forsake me. He will not manipulate to get me to depend on Him more. There are no games, and there are no stipulations. And I can depend on that.
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