Not so many years ago I had a crisis of faith. I stopped believing in God and all I had ever believed in. It almost felt like a relief. No more pressure to be good and strive for eternal life. I had spent my life watching my parents devoting themselves to ministry and it looked like it was just too much work. God had such high expectations, and I was tired. An apathy set in and I stopped caring. Who cares if I go to heaven if I don’t believe it exists anyways?
The interesting part here is that no one really knew what was going on in my head. I didn’t come out and openly renounce my beliefs. I didn’t want my children to stop believing! Ironic, I know. I continued to live the way I had always lived, and going to church on a regular basis. Nothing could penetrate this wall I had. But most didn’t know it was there.
So…how did I end up as a missionary, you ask? Don’t you need to believe in God? Yes, i do believe again…and now it’s my own faith. I started noticing little miracles happening around me. Little coincidences that couldn’t be a coincidence. God started speaking to me in an audible voice. Slowly the walls came down, and my heart started to soften. He was real! I could see Him everywhere! He actually listens to me and I realized that my faith wasn’t something that should stress me out. It was something real, a relationship that has honest communication…including the fights! He loves me and isn’t asking me to be a certain way. He created me to be crass AND creative! I can be both!
What a relief….