Do you have any memories of trying to walk up a slide? Many of us have done that as children, and depending on how slippery the slide is, and how grippy your shoes or feet are, is how fast you make it up. I remember sliding down as often as getting to the top.
Life seems to be that way quite often.
After the intense experiences of therapy and prayer I felt that I had gotten to the top of the slide. I could see far, the air was cleaner, and I had accomplished something that took many years of pain away. Everything felt so good. I loved everyone and wanted to share the joy with as many as would listen. I blogged about it, talked about it, and felt like I couldn’t contain myself.
Then I got tired. Bone weary! The enemy started to whisper in my ear again. I tried blocking it out, but it’s hard when one is so tired. Jesus kept telling me to rest, but I felt like I had just been reborn and I had long lists of things I needed to start and accomplish. I don’t have time to rest…life is just getting interesting!! But, why am I so tired? Continue reading Highs and Lows
One of the hardest things to do is to surrender. I have fought it all my life. I want things on my terms, with my conditions. I don’t know if all are the same, but many are. We can surrender certain things, at certain times…but letting it all go without any knowledge of where the journey takes you takes a huge leap of faith.
I was ready for that leap.
After being angry and confused most of my life, let’s try it God’s way for once.
This might sound weird to some of you, after all I was in full time mission work. It looked like my life was given in serving Jesus. But, deep down I knew that I hadn’t given it all. I still held on to childhood hurts, and bitterness. And I knew my faith didn’t quite reach all the way to believing with my “whole heart”.
I had an image to maintain….and had maintained that image to the best of my ability. The good christian. The one with answers. The one who knew God’s word. The one who was willing to live/serve anywhere that God asked to.
Continue reading Surrender=Healing (part 10)
BOARDING SCHOOL SYNDROME!
STRATEGIC SURVIVAL PERSONALITY!
It all sounded so overwhelming. I couldn’t really absorb what was going on in my head. It was getting messed up even more. I would walk around the house in circles, forgetting what I was doing. I would find myself forgetting things, and having conversations with myself that made no sense.
I was restless all of the time. I couldn’t focus on anything. Getting a meal on the table was hard enough work. Forget my work with sewing and fundraising for missions.
I started losing sleep. Continue reading Getting There…. (part 9)
“If you woke up tomorrow morning, and a miracle had occurred, what would your life look like?”
This is a common question asked by therapists. It helps us to see what we consider the “ideal” life to look like. What is it when we really hope for a miracle?
So, I was asked the “miracle” question.
It took me a few days to really think this through. What would it all look like? What did I secretly hope for?
Inside of me there was a deep longing for security and safety. I craved it in my relationships, work, and finances. It was so tiring feeling like the world was going to cave in at any moment, and I would be left stranded. I didn’t want to worry about anything anymore.
That would be a miracle, wouldn’t it? In an “ideal” world we wouldn’t have anything to worry about. We would be safe.
It took a few days of writing and thinking. I came to realize that this miracle is actually achievable. It just takes full surrender of our fears to Jesus. And that is sometimes the hardest thing of all. How can we surrender these fears, when they have sustained us this far? Continue reading The “Miracle” Question! (part 8)
Where did this PTSD come from? And why was it in my life? My parents had committed their lives to each other and to full time ministry, this was a safe environment, right? I had always thought so.
My life, in a nutshell, had been a life full of adventure and excitement. I had lived in 6 countries by the time I was 10 years old. During this time I went to 5 different schools, and had learned, quite quickly, to adapt or not be accepted. Also in this 10 year period, there had been a revolution in one of the countries that I lived in. Our life there was surrounded by violence and fear, gunshots at night…which the dorm parents tried to drown out by playing classical music as loudly as they dared.
“Do you get flashbacks,” asked the counselor, “and what do you see when you get them?”
Continue reading Flashbacks (Part 7)
Holding this prescription in my hands was so exciting for me!!! Validation at last! I am a mess! (hahaa) I now have a reason for all of the crazy thoughts and anger and for wanting it all to end. Relief was in sight….
I held on to that paper for a bit. All of a sudden it was true. I did need help. How did I feel about it? What were those feelings I was feeling?
and many more…all seeming to contradict each other… Continue reading Trying to Walk (part 6)