Over the last few weeks I have been sharing my personal journey through therapy, mixed with tidbits from my past. It has been cathartic. Through it all I have heard from so many people, some who think that it was brave (and maybe a bit too much?) and from some who needed to hear someone else’s journey to get hope for their own. Either way, it was something I felt compelled to write. I had the blessing of my parents, and my immediate family…but I tried not to mention their part in this, and as much as I could, I kept them out of it.
And that is because this journey was between God and me. It was about finding Him again, or maybe even for the first time. He is the ultimate healer. He is the one who gave me hope and strength as I started to unravel. He was there all along, and I just needed to see that.
No where are we promised that we won’t experience struggle or pain. It is naive to think that we should live a life with no pain. Where would we learn about ourselves, and who we are, if we don’t have to fight for it? If we don’t have to struggle with defining our place in this life? I also believe that it is not right to blame others for our continued pain. There are many moments where we lose control to someone else, and the effect is permanent. But when that trauma, or past event, or words, take over our present and our future, that’s when we need to own it. ( By no means is this about current issues and trauma that we can’t control right now.)
We need to face it, and try to let go.
Can we really leave the past behind? Could it be something that we can look back on and learn from, or does it have to be something that we continue to cling to, because that is what we can use to get attention now? Or maybe something we can use as an excuse for not making the right choices now?
By talking about the surviving and the PTSD I learned that I can let it go. It is in my past. My memories have been rewired, and I saw that truth. It is invaluable to find someone to talk to. Someone to cry and rant to, and someone to pray with. Having someone look you in the eye and tell you that you can get over it…I can’t express how important that is.
Looking strong and confident means nothing when you are broken inside. Having financial success and other successes mean nothing when you have no joy or peace.
With total surrender it becomes possible. What does that look like? For me it was giving up my pride, my bitterness, and my expectations of what I thought life was supposed to be. I needed to get on my knees and be willing to look like a fool. And I did…and it was like having a bandaid ripped off.
Wonderful.
Raw.
Powerful.
And something I go back to on a constant basis. Knowing that my life is nothing without Jesus and His love gives me all the meaning I need.
I am still crying and surrendering.
It is something I will never let go of.
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV)